I Like.

I like this.
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/grownups.png

and Newton's Faulkner's song This is it.

I like friends coming over for coffee and bringing hot cross buns

I like a cat that plays and pounces and drinks milk.

I like reading books that inspire, spending time in art galleries and deciding what time I should go to bed.

I like cooking, baking things when I'm frustrated and even when I'm not. I like giving the baking away because I'm not such a fan of cakes or cookies really.

I like planning road trips, really long ones in that the road spans out in front and while I'm concentrating on driving my soul takes a journey and I get to figure stuff out, clarity comes.

It's our turn to be grown ups. Let's make it memorable not mediocre.

Honestly

I just don't want to do this on my own anymore.
I don't know if we can be friends if this doesn't work out the way my heart hoped it would.
I don't know if I could survive without your friendship. It's come to mean so much to me. You've broken in and created a space for yourself that no one else ever has. You've crossed walls and boundaries and you became comfortable. I don't know how to live without that comfort now.
I want to move on from this meandering phase I'm in. It feels like I've been here forever.
I want stability.
I want a life of chasing dreams and rainbows and thunderclouds and adventures.
I want to talk to you. Now.
I don't ever want to have to lose you.
I don't want to walk away.
I don't want to leave you behind.
I don't want to hurt like this anymore.
I want to know what to do next, what the right thing to do is.

We've got the POWER

Today the power came back on at our house. It took the knowledge and eyes of an electrician to tell us that all the circuit breakers were switched to off. Funny story now but two days ago when the neighbors had power and we didn't I was so mad.
It's amazing how stressful life can be once the normalicity is taken out of it. I'm the first to jump at the chance of an adventure but not this type of adventure. Not being able to function the way that I've been conditioned to was rather frustrating.
If we had the ability to do our washing, keep our milk in a safe condition, have hot showers and read before going to sleep at night I would not have minded not having electricity.
My housemate and I listed off all the things that we are grateful for being able to do because of electricity. There's quite a few, the things we are able to do WITHOUT electricity. Not too many.
My little brother was born in 1985. Aparantly in Queensland there was a record number of births that year. Most people put it down to the record number of blackouts in 84/85.
Wonder if there's going to be a baby boom nine months from now?
There won't be from our house.

If there is it's the imaculate conception. It's happened once before.

Sinful...

Today I spent time at my new 'spot'. I love great cafes, they feed my soul. I always leave feeling inspired, feeling rested. The opposite is also true, if there's bad service, bad coffee or even just average, I leave feeling ripped off. Mackay has a new cafe called Sinful. The staff are well picked, the coffee is good (and improving!), simple good food and a great layout. I always leave feeling refreshed. So if you're ever looking for me, head there. Except if you're a stalker. If you're planning to stalk me, I'm never there. Ever.

As a result of the cyclone over the weekend my house does not have power. It's been over 72 hours. I think I spent a good three hours there today, I found a powerpoint and plugged in my laptop and phone. I spent the morning organising and reading through some poetry I've written this year.

I found this, judge it if you will:

I’m just waiting

For the words that haven’t been spoken yet

If you tell me to go I shall leave this place behind me

I will shake the dust from my feet and remove the articles from my heart which I collected during my stay here.

If I cry they will be angry hot tears of a heart that is not just broken or crushed but disillusioned by the choices made by it’s owner

When you see me in public places

I will not be angry and hate you

Or take my fists and beat you

I will smile, maybe not with my eyes

And take interest but not with my heat

I will extend my hand for a handshake or hug

And then I will leave you to be

I will leave and take my heart away from your hands

But

If you choose not to make those words audible

Then I will stay, I will stay and figure this out.

Your choice.

I don't understand but then I don't really have to. You've made decisions that I may or may not agree with. Does it really matter why? Does it really matter that the choice you made wasn't the one that I wanted you to make? 

I'm going to deal with this the best I can. I'm old enough and tough enough. If this is the worst thing that'll ever happen to me then surely I'm going to be ok. 

I'll learn from this. So much to be learnt from this. I'm not going to base my happiness off what you choose. 

But then both of us always knew that I was going to be ok. Maybe that's why you've made the choices you have. 

Eggs Benny

It seems that married men value the art of cooking. I only draw this conclusion because every time one of these men from the married tribe eats my food there’s always the compliment ‘you’ll make a good wife’.

I suspect that the single boys think this too; perhaps they’re too scared to say it in case I take it as a marriage proposal and jump on them.

The reason why I would make a good wife today is that this morning I made eggs Benedict. From scratch.

Yep. I’m that good.

Actually it’s more the recipe then me. I was inspired by the film Julie and Julia to never be defeated by a recipe. So I conquered poaching eggs.

I’d previously given up poaching eggs cause I’d always end up with eggy water. There are only so many wasted eggs my ego could take.

The next thing I needed to conquer was hollandaise sauce. Too easy. But I can’t take all the credit, the recipe was fool proof. You should try it:

In a blender blend 3 egg yolks, 1 tablespoon of lemon juice and 1 tablespoon water. Gradually add 125g melted butter that has been cooled slightly. Blend until thick and creamy. Season with salt and pepper.

Bon Appetiet! 

A Psalm of Sorts

Why do I keep doing stupid things to torment myself? I know what causes me pain and yet almost unwillingly I chase after it. I’m finding new ways to cause destruction. Is it habit? Could I be considered a self harmer and require monitoring? An action plan to curb and contain this behavior?

I’ve been hoping for what I do not have, striving for what is not mine. Dreaming for a day that is not here. And my heart breaks. I thought that things were changing but they are not. It’s the same but worse. I now know what I do not have.
I’ve stopped myself from running. From separating from all I know and embracing the unknown. I’ve stayed here in this place standing silent but on the inside screaming and screaming and screaming and hoping that tomorrow comes quickly. That this hope that is killing me will be fulfilled. That these dreams that are tearing me apart will become reality.
I don’t know how much longer I can stay in a place like this.
All I know is I have a heavenly Father who has a plan. Who has a love for me greater then anything I have ever known. So I stand, not in my own strength but in His. Because He has been good to me.

I have a dream

I’m a youth worker in a house that provides a place for youths who have no where else to go. They either cannot live at home for a number of reasons and they don’t fit into the foster system.


I’ve had some interesting milestones in this job, my first visit to the emergency department, my first car accident (my fault nothing to do with the kids, Thank you Jesus for insurance on work cars), the first time I went to the watch house at the police station, the first time I woke up and there was fruit smashed up around the house, the first physical punch up, the first time kids absconded and the other night I had my first police interview.

As I was sitting in the room waiting for the police to come back and start the interview (I had to sit in as an adult representing the kid) I began talking to him. I told him that if I had a big house out in the country with a couple of acres I’d take them all out there to live. That way if they needed to burn off energy in the middle of the night instead of running around screaming like loonies in the house with the lights all turned off they could run outside.

‘And motorbikes’ he said. Yes and motorbikes. I’d have four wheelers and two wheelers and whatever else I could conjure up. I’d let them make bonfires and sparkler bombs and go camping for days by themselves. I’d let them be the teenage boys that they are, giving them room to make mistakes and have fun and discover who they are. I’d make sure there'd be heaps of food and space and love.

Because that’s what these kids need. They need someone to look at them and love them regardless of the damage they’ve caused, regardless of what the world tells them they are. Regardless of the words they spoke last night that made you want to rip their fingernails off slowly so they would be in as much pain as possible. Despite the apparent lack of potential to change holding onto hope that one day these boys are going to be men.



Men of good character. Men who work in jobs that are respectable, men full of hope for the future, men who walk with their heads held high not because of arrogance and pride but because they know that the past has gone, today is new and tomorrow has much hope.



One day it will happen. One day I will have that house.

There once was a lady who lived with a cat...

I’ve never really understood the need for people to keep pets. Growing up we only had things kept in cages or bowls. Nothing too exciting, except when I made the inevitable discovery that the soul of whatever small bird or fish that had been entrusted into my care, had departed this earth.

 It kind of happens like that when they don’t have food, or water. Oops.

Recently I acquired a kitty. It’s only supposed to be mine for 12 months as his owner lives in a setting not welcoming to kitties. Surprisingly I adore this cat. I’ve brought toys for it, defended its bad behavior and generally loved on it.

I suspect that my love for this particular creature has flourished simple because this cat is quite loveable. Sure, other cats don’t seem to appreciate his feisty nature but I do. I love that I can play with him and throw him at people, I love that he doesn’t need constant attention. He’ll sit near me instead of on me. He needed rescuing from the roof one night. I still have no idea how he ended up there.

So this is for you Zoidberg. You’ve changed me; you’ve turned me into one of those crazy cat people who post pictures of their pet on facebook and write about in blogs.

I'll show you who my friends are...

Some of the things my bestie taught me:

• if something is good for your insides it's most probably not very pleasant tasting
• borders is a fun place to spend hours and hours and hours and hours and...
• the body is an amazing thing. 
• the ability to network is one of the most valuable things you can develop
• be an expert on one topic, put all you heart, soul, mind and body into learning it. If you need to know anything else about anything find the experts, they'll appreciate your skills just as you appreciate theirs. 
• thongs/flip flops/pluggers are BAD for your feet
• Birkies are GOOD. 
• Buy quality, you'll buy less but it'll last longer
• Trust God and trust people
• Early mornings are beautiful
• Depression is ugly and crap and horrible but it is defeatable. 
• Great food is essential to any gathering
• Exercise can be fun

Magical Cup Cakes

I'm convinced that this is the best cupcake recipe ever. It's a magic recipe that's so easy and works EVERY time, (although one time I gave this recipe to my friend Sheree who was making them for her daughter's first birthday party, I forgot to mention the 3 eggs in the email I sent. Omitting eggs equals failure)

 I made some this morning after I cleaned the house to make myself feel better and as always they turned out beautiful. If you don't believe me ask Christopher, he's eaten five already. 

 I don't think I'm breaking any copy right laws by sharing it here: 

Vanilla Cupcakes

1 1/2 cups Self Raising flour

1/2 cup Plain flour

1 cup sugar

175g unsalted butter, softened

150mL whole milk

3 large eggs

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

a SMALL pinch of salt 

Preheat the oven to 175degrees C. 

Line a tray of 12 half-cup muffin holes with paper patty cases

Put all ingredients into the bowl and mix on low speed for approximately 1 minute. Beat on high for 3-5 minutes until the mixture is creamy and thick. 

Spoon into tray filling holes 2/3 full

Bake in the centre of the oven for 20-25 minutes or until they are firm and light golden.

Cool on wire rack. 

Take me Back

Take me back to the place 
where the heartbreak first occurred, 
To the beach with the waves crashing
The sand between my toes
Take me back to where I stood
and I'd say it all again
I'd tell you I'm not leaving
I'd tell you that my decision is made
Take me back so you can see 
That my heart is not undecided
That no one else has claim
See that I have changed
Know that I make choices
That my heart is set in stone
I'm not about to waiver
Nor will I fall

To live

To see and to realize

To breathe and to sing

To have faith and to move

To have belief in a being so much more than yourself

To have legs and to dance

To have hands and to create

To have a brain and to empathize

To have a heart that feels pain

To have eyes full of wonder

To have a soul with a future

To have words with something to say