Beautiful

 A couple of years ago I saw a piece of graffiti that really touched me. It was scratched into a seat at the bus stop outside of the shopping centre. It said something like 'To the girl who gets off the bus every morning at 750am. I think you have the most beautiful eyes'.

Recently I started a journey to find out what beauty is. The more I look, the more I find that it's simplicity not extravagance that makes something beautiful.
Simple things like the steam rising from my cup of tea the other morning. My cat coming and meowing at the door and then just hanging out in my room. The empty block next to our house that fills up with crazy wild flowers every time the owner neglects to mow it. The lights of traffic at dusk. Friends that come and sit and talk about everything and nothing. Music lyrics that match the tone of my heart. Second hand book shops. Love.

Is it the same with people? Does it work out that the more true a person is to themselves then the more beautiful they are? Am I more beautiful when I settle and just be me? I hope so because that's what I've decided to do.

I saw a quote the other day on beauty that I really liked. Not sure who said or wrote it:

Am I beautiful because you love me or do you love me because I am beautiful?

What's Making me Happy today...

It's a box of happiness from the wonderful Katharine. How much joy can sugar and chocolate bring to one person? Don't under estimate the power of fudge. 

I'm also super dooper happy that my little scooter is getting her heart transplant and new eyes sometime today or tomorrow. 

Ellie Goulding's Album Light is also bringing me happiness.

Unpretentious romance makes my heart go awwwwwwwwww...

Thanks to postsecret

Thoughts from my week

1. I'm fully capable of changing a tyre but when I don't have to because there's a man (who doesn't even know me) changing it there's a good feeling there. I'm not going to shy away from what needs to be done but if there's a man around to help out this damsel, I'm more then happy to let him. I appreciate men doing men's work.
2.  God will speak to me not because I'm at the right meeting or talking to the right person or reading the right book but because I'm listening to Him.
3. Scrabble takes practice.
4. Just because there's a question doesn't mean there's an answer. Or maybe there is an answer; it's just not the right time for me to hear it. Maybe the answer to a different question would be better for me. Maybe instead of asking 'why' I should be asking 'how'.
5. Tea is necessary, so are good books, quality music and cats that give just enough love but don't cramp your style.
6. Other people's perceptions of me are important to take into consideration but the one that has the most impact is the perception I have of myself.

Come have tea...

Come, sit next to me, share my thought bubble for some time. We can discuss all that has happened, is happening and is going to happen in this world of ours. Use your words to help me understand the life you live, what it's like when I'm not around.
Tell me something interesting because I like to learn. Tell me something funny because I like to laugh.
Tell me something that is challenging because I like to think.
Don't bother with the small talk, let's have minds that explore the abstract, the could be-s, would be-s and all that should be.
Let's not talk about other people because then we could slide on the slippery slope to gossip and I believe that it would do nothing but kill off our brain cells. Unless of course it's those that inspire us, let's talk of inspiration.
Come, tell me of the books you read, of the people you've met, of the work that you do. Tell me a story about you. I know you have something unique to share, so share it with me. Help me think a little more today.

Forgiveness according to Philip Yancey

Not to forgive imprisions me in the past and locks out all potential for change. I thus yield control to another, my enemy, and doom myself to suffer the consequences of the wrong. I once heard an immigrant rabbi make an astonishing statement. "Before coming to America, I had to forgive Adolf Hiltler" he said. "I did not want to bring Hitler inside me to my new country."

Playing Games

I'm afraid sometimes

you'll play lonely games too,

games you can't win

because you'll play against you”

Dr. Seuss

I want this too...

I stole this from a friend's blog. Thanks http://madelyningraceland.tumblr.com/

When life hands you bananas...

I've been noticing some bananas that have been developing into a state of mankiness on our kitchen bench.They belong to one of the housemates. This morning I went into stealth mode and stole two to make a banana cake. I really should have stolen three because the cake is good but it could be more banana-y.

I modified the recipe from the Frankie cookbook Afternoon Tea. It's the recipe for All Together cake, I've just added stuff.
Easiest banana cake in the world. Truthfully. I wouldn't lie to you about this.

All Together Banana Cake

1/4 cup milk
125g butter softish.
3/4 cup sugar
2 Eggs
1 tablespoon flour
1 cup Self Raising flour
1/2 teaspoon vanilla essence
2 or 3 or more bananas mashed up
1 teaspoon cinnamon or nutmeg or both

Put all the ingredients into a bowl. Beat them with egg beaters until combined. Pour into a greased cake tin. Bake in oven at 180 degrees C for about 50 minutes.

Where's the men?

Tonight at work I sat across from a boy whose 15 years old and I wondered about who was going to show this boy how to be a man. He's an indigenous kid from another town, male influence is minimal. Whose he got that will show him what it's like to be a man?


This boy has gotten to the stage of awkwardness within his skin. He sits hunched over like he's not used to his size. I wonder what it's like inside his head. How does he deal with thoughts of responsibility? Thoughts about his own future?

Where's the men that will show him how to live this life as a man, proudly as an aboriginal. Men that will help him deal with insecurities so that he will not end up as another statistic. Men that will hug him and shake his hand when he's done a good job.

Where are these men? Men to foster this boy. Men to love him when life is the hardest and he is making bad choices. Men who will not give up on him.



I think about this and all I can do is pray. I'm just a little white girl who's in over her head. I have no idea how to get this kid what he needs. He has a culture and identity that's so separate from my own white working class alternative world. What difference can I make really? I hope the words I say to him get in there. I hope that I can provide him with some hope for his future.

Tomorrow

I will get up stupidly early to go to the gym. I will continue to go to the gym either at this stupid hour or at another more reasonable hour. But from tomorrow I will go to the gym.

I will complete my assignments for college and the readings for this week. I will continue to stay on top of my assignments and NOT do them the day they are due even if they are only 500 words.

I will stop using my 'floor robe'. I will pick up all my clothes and wash them. I will not use a floorrobe again. Hopefull in the process I will find multiple things that I have lost and start using my wardrobe and bookshelf.
I will eat 2 serves fruit and 5 serves of veges. There's no reason for me not to really.

I will not drink 20 cups of coffee (or tea) while I study, water is fine.

I will take time to notice my breathing.

I will only play the games on my iPhone for short amounts of time.

I will pester my little bro to find out if he has asked out BB girl. I really think he should just man up and do it.I think he's great and don't understand why any girl wouldn't want to be with him. I'll even talk to her and tell her how great he is if needed, not that I think it's needed but sometimes a character reference from an unbiased sorce goes a long way.

I will sit on the trampoline and stare at the sky, letting my imagination fly away for some time and then bring it back to earth and use it to brainstorm solutions to some of the problems I'm facing.

I will take time to appreciate the colours around me.

I will trust that God has a plan and He has me where He needs me.

Flying away

Hot air balloons have been in habiting my imagination for quite some time now. During my visit to Brisbane in January I went to the Queensland Art Gallery. It was during the holidays so they had activities happening for children. There was this gigantic mountain of craft supplies, out of which the kids were making airplanes. Once the airplanes were finished they were hung from the ceiling. The sight of hundreds of airplanes suspended ceiling was wonderful.

In one area there was a small collection of hot air balloons. The idea has been simmering in my mind to create hot air balloons that I could hang in my house. I've finally started to make the idea a reality.

I'm using paper Mache, something I've never done before, but I turned to the ultimate knowledge machine (Google) and found out how to make the glue and started creating! First step is complete.

And to be truthful if they don't work out I’m not going to be too upset. I'm having too much fun doing this.

The life of a hermit

I've travelled to several places in the last year that have cause me to think that they would be perfect places to hide away in and do nothing but be creative all day long. The Sunny Coast hinterland is one of those places; another is South Durras in NSW. I've been considering the life of a hermit recently and if I were to become one at least I already have my location worked out.



I don't really know anyone in those areas so people wouldn't be a problem. I could hide away and immerse myself in words written by other people as well as writing a few of my own. I could paint and draw and just be whoever I damn well wanted to be.


If I was a hermit I'd have time for a veggie garden. I'd grow carrots that come out of the ground in funny shapes, lettuce, spinach, mushrooms, tomatoes and lots of basil. I'd have chickens that laid eggs and a cat that chased the chickens.
If I was a hermit I'd climb the hills and walk the beach, I'd spend my days doing what ever it is I pleased.

But then I'd probly get lonely and invite people to come visit. That's not a very hermit-y thing to do is it?
I'd throw big parties with bonfires and fire twirling and acoustic music. That's not what a hermit would do.
I'd cook so much food and then have to go make friends so the food didn't go to waste. I've never heard of a hermit doing that.

I'd make a horrible permanent hermit, maybe I should just go on hermit like holidays?

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

It's 2:47am and it's not a pretty time. I was tired before I got to work and I'm pretty sure I'll be ruined by the time I leave. Just over 5 hours to go. I've never had to work these hours before, sure I've been at work and had the kids wake me up but never have I intentionally stayed awake.
I've decided I don't like it very much. Late nights are good for study or hanging out with friends or for sleeping. Especially for sleeping. They're not very exciting when you're at work, alone.
mmmm...sleeeeeep.
I'm thinking of all you blessed people who are in sleep land right now and I hope your sleep is wonderful. I hope you realise how blessed you are to have it.

Sleep tight.

Today's Soundtrack

In no particular order:
1. Drifting- The Paper kites
2. Say something- Tim Nelson and the cub scouts
3. In a lonely place- Ellington
4. Dwell- Garage Hymnal
5. Starry Eyed- Ellie Goulding
6. Resin on my Heartstrings- Newton Faulkner
7. If this is it- Newton Faulkner
8. Let it be me- Ray LaMontage

Heartbroken

To say something is broken is to say that it needs fixing. 

Except for hearts. They're a little more complicated. I'm not sure what they need exactly but I do know that healing is involved. 

I had a girlfriend tell me today of a very recent heartbreak and for the first time I knew what to do. Out of this ugly mess of heart ache came this moment of understanding. There's a scripture that tells us that God will work everything for good. Today my heart ache became a good thing in my life. Today I was able to look at another and not just empathize but to understand and to know what it was to be in her world right then. 

He took something horrid and turned it into good, something I despised and made it into something I appreciate. 

Heartbreak doesn't require fixing, just understanding. Today I understood and in that my own healing has progressed. 


Only the heartbroken can really understand heartbreak.

Your Will

Father tonight I pray, Your will be done. Please let it be done. I trust you. I know that You're able to carry me through this. I know that You see what I do not. That You have plans that I do not have knowledge or understanding of.


Even now as I feel lost I know that You have me in the palm of your hand. And so I trust you.

Even now as my heart screams out in agony, even now as this weight on my chest turns my thoughts to confusion and mush. Especially now that my plans and dreams lay in shatters around me. Now as I'm standing in a place I did not plan to be. Even now I declare, Your will Lord. Not my own.

Now Lord. Show me your will, show me the next step. Tell me and I will trust in You. Because I have made a mess of what You gave me.


Your will Lord. Let it be.

Ramblings

This last week has been good for me and to me. I've had space to think and expand the wings of my mind. To try to figure out all that has happened and is happening in my world. I'd like to say that I made decisions but I'm happy to say that I didn't. My mind had freedom just to explore, to be challenged and also to stay exactly where it was at.


It was the same for my heart. It's amazing what a tent, good friends and a whole lot of music can do for my insides. Realizing that I'm not the only one that has experienced these feelings. To connect with another person because of what they've written, it’s a strange kind of bliss.

I got to drive on a highway for multiple hours another good feeling. Focusing on the road and the hours disappearing. All that matters are those green signs that come up ever so often, using numbers to reward me, letting me know how much closer I am to my goal.

It's such a wonderful thing not to have to be any where unless I choose to be. No such thing as "I have to be there' rather the more delightful "I want to'. So much of my time feels like 'have to' moments.

I liked having the time to breathe. And think. And just feel.

Too many times my feelings go unnoticed, unrecognized on the radar. Or if they are being noticed it's only because they need to be 'fixed'.

I don't require fixing. I'm not broken. Maybe I'm a little messy a times, but don't worry, I'll look after myself. I've come this far.

And if I cry, it's ok. Please don't try to fix me, just let me cry. Because if I've stopped stopping myself then that's all the fixing I need. For now anyway.

Easter Adventuring

I'm home at last, it's been one of those funny little holidays that feel ten times longer then what it actually was. Not much sleep, stacks of driving, boys with marginally over groomed hair, red dirt and of course stacks of new music.
I highly recommend that you scoot over to where ever it is that you download your music from and grab Tim Nelson and the Cub Scouts.
Much love.