Drunk on what?

I've known for a long time that I do not enjoy being drunk. I don't like being drunk on wine, beer, spirits or emotions. I had to add that last one because today I realised that I've made a lot of bad decisions in my life during periods of emotional drunkeness. 


I've been drunk on rage and hurt those close to me, being drunk on infatuation has caused the stalker in me to reveal herself, too much grief has lead me to depression and self harm, happiness has caused silliness and drinking in the loneliness has resulted in some of the stupidest decisions I've ever made.


I realise that 'emotions' are all part of this human experience. That being a girl puts me at a bigger disadvantage. But I'm determined. No more (or at least less) emotional drunkeness for this 27 year old. Let's settle this roller coaster down without dimming the colours. 

Growing up

I'm grown up because:

1. I wash my own linen and no one is there telling me to do it. I also buy my own linen. The first time I purchased towels I felt extraordinarily like an adult. It was intense.
2. I buy take away coffee. Walking out of the shop with a cup of coffee always makes me feel grown up since little kids don't (or at least shouldn't) drink coffee and secondly getting it to take away makes the statement that you've got more important or interesting places to be.
3. I have no idea about what music is making to top 40 count down. Often I'll hear of a song a long time after everyone else has heard and loved it. In my teenage years I thought knowing the top 40 made me cool. These days I don't run after fads, instead I look for what I like 
4. I throw dinner parties. 
5. I clean out the fridge.
6. And lastly...I've applied to go to uni. Not because it's expected but because I want to. I've found an area that I want to excel in and I'm going to. And now I get to wait while someone else decides which uni I get into. I may be grown up but this feels a lot like high school again. EEEP.

Longboarding at Sunset

I can't get this song out of my head

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YXVMCHG-Nk

Uninvited

You left behind a partial footprint and that makes me mad cause that's all you left. No fingerprints on the window pane, or on the screen that you pulled out. Just a partial footprint.
You came into my house and you left all the lights on and the doors open. You let the dog out and took the beer I brought for someone else months ago.
And all you left was a partial footprint on my window sill.
I don't think that was very nice of you. What I would like from you now is that you return the laptop, replace the beer and say sorry. It's really not much to ask considering you came into my house without asking.

These are a few of my favourite things...

Trees inspired by Dr Suess

Deep frying things to deal with problems

Hanging out with this wonderful two year old

Shopping with these sisters

Zoidy the explorer cat

A curious friend

Things I want you to know.

That you're important to me.
That sometimes thinking is under rated.
A hug may not change anything except for my ability to deal with whatever it is that's happening.
That feelings do matter.
Silence isn't so bad after all.
Rainbows appear after the storm but you have to look up to see them.
Dancing is so much fun.
Sometimes thinking is over rated.
Books are meant to be shared, the better the book, the more you should share it.
Words aren't enough.
Life is easier when it's not revolving around fulfilling my own needs.

Failing

I failed at the age of 25 and it's been the best thing that I've ever done.

When I was younger I never could comprehend past the age of 25. I had no idea what life would hold beyond that. I guess because I figured that by the time I was 25 I'd have achieved all that was achievable and the rest of my life would be spent living out that success and building on it. I thought uni degree, husband, house and kids would all be mine at the age of 25. I don't have any of those things and that's OK.

Really it is because now the adventure has started.I'm in unknown territory. I failed at being a 'success' so now I can do whatever it is that I want to do. There's no expectations except that which I place on myself.

I've got a feeling that the adventures have already begun. That ending up in youth work wasn't a mistake. That falling in love with these kids wasn't a co-incidence. That maybe the very reason that I had to 'fail' was so that I could see these kids and succeed in fighting for them. Because even though I think my life sucks, it's nothing compared with what they've got to deal with.

Life Changing...

 A boy from work rocked up at my house on Friday afternoon. It's scary when work follows you home in the form of a teenage boy. I was reminded at this point that my work is more then just work. I may get paid for what I do but these kids can't be contained within the hours I write down on my time sheet. Changing lives means that my life also has to change.

Sit. Stay. Talk to me for a while cause lately things have been rather intense. I know that things are always intense in my world but lately I've wanted to spend more time with the grown ups. With people of thought and intelligence. With people who have minds that explore and dream of things bigger then themselves. Who talk of solutions not problems, who see the future beyond the past, who know that life is more then just not being dead.
So please. Sit. Stay. Spend some time here with me.

care  of postsecret.com

In heaven I hope there's:

1. A soundtrack. At the very least I think we should all get a small choir of angels to follow us around making music according to the current mood. How much cooler are movies because of the music? I know that the closet we get to sound tracks in real life are iPods and boom boxes but really in the next life I hope the sound track is for real.
2. No such thing as bad coffee. It amazes me that people make bad coffee. It's not that hard to make good coffee if you're willing to learn. Heaven should have no bad coffee.
3. Great parties. With great music to dance to.
4. BIG kitchens to cook in. Even though we may not have to eat to remain alive I hope that we can at least choose to eat. I love food. And I love cooking so I hope I get to have a least one really massive dinner party.
5. Butterflies and birds that land on your hand when you hold it out. I love it in Disney films how all the princesses manage to have birds come and rest on their hands. I want that.
6. NO CLEANING. seriously. none. Especially not toilet cleaning.
7. Scooters for everyone. Too many people miss out on the joy of owning and riding their own scooter. I'm pretty sure that when Jesus prepares the houses for us he's also preparing transportation. Now in heaven we might be able to fly but...scooters are fun. Really fun.

About me...

1. If you ask to help me I'm going to say no, if instead you just get in and help I'm going to say "Thank You".
2. If I have a birthday without birthday cake I feel as if I've had no birthday at all. If you have a birthday with no birthday cake I’ll feel ripped off for you.
3. I like my coffee strong, white with no sugar.
4. I will interrogate you at some point about something.
5. If you date my friends I will be watching you.
6. If you want to give me something, give me a memory, I'll treasure it more then any trinket or treasure.
7. I'll consider you a true friend when you don't need someone else to decipher my excited fast babble.
8. If I tell you that I'm ok often it's more that I'm deciding to be ok.
9. I once was a raver and she still lives inside of me.
10. I absolutely despise small talk. While working in hospitality I perfected the art of small talk, now I'm out of that industry I refuse to participate. If you want to talk to me I'm happy to have a decent conversation, if you do try to small talk me I'm going to think you're an idiot and avoid you at social gatherings.

I don't like that the same tool that is used to encourage, show love, bring joy and inspire is the same tool that can tear down, bring doubt and cause conflict. I guess words really are really fragile things.

Learnings from the past week or so

1. People fight differently and what I consider to be a misunderstanding others call a fight. I don't think it's a fight unless there's violence, either vocal or physical.
2. Talking to my bestie face to face is much better then over the phone. I knew this already but it was reinforced last week.
3. People help me feel alive.
4. If you can smell dog poo then there is dog poo to be found, you might just have to look harder. Or get someone else to look.
5. Don't buy female dogs that haven't been desexed.
6. Sunday morning breakfast before church with old friends is delightful.
7. Someone is always looking. Or almost always.
8. Two year olds are more unpredictable then 15 year old juvenile offenders. They're more stressful to look after too. I think they eat more as well.
9. I can still make great espresso even without touching a machine for several months.
10. People will get involved in what you're doing because of why you do it.

Dusk

Somewhere between the bright light of day and the inky blackness of night is dusk. I've always thought that there's something magical about dusk. Not the make-this-rabbit-disappear type magic or fairy dust magic but the type of magic that is produced by beauty.
It's an intriguing time because there's no clear line between when dusk starts and when it finishes. It's like God decided to blur the line between night and day.
I think of that Proverb that tells us not to let the sun go down on an argument. Maybe dusk is a grace period, a gentle reminder that it's going to be night soon and you don't want to enter the night with anger or bitterness still residing in your soul.
Or maybe it's there to gently let children and workaholics know that they should run home to their own families because the family will be having dinner soon.
Maybe it's there to provide inspiration to artists, God's showing off with colours and lighting to reveal what's possible.
Maybe it's all of that and more. Or maybe it's not.
I do know that it is beautiful and I don't care why or how, just that it is.

Expectations

I've always wondered why the people that cheered Jesus into Jerusalem were the same ones that jeered him on the way to his crucifixion.

Maybe it's because when Jesus entered the city they proclaimed him to be the messiah. They attached expectation to him, he was their hope, and he was going to save them from the Romans. But then he didn't live up to their expectations.
Maybe they were jeering with disillusionment. Maybe they supported him dying because he didn't do what the messiah was expected to do. Maybe they turned against him because their hope was shattered when what they thought was supposed to happen didn't.
I'm not so different, I turn and jeer when things don't work the way I think they should. I stumble and fall when I forget that His ways are not my ways, that His thoughts are Higher then mine.

Do you?

I remember when you lived in a house that didn't have an oven. You used to make up chocolate chip cookie dough and keep it in the fridge to eat. I know that you're all grown up now and have a house and husband of your own but I was wondering do you still do that?

Do you still have a wardrobe of clothes and nothing to wear?

Do you still find clothes that you really really REALLY like but it's not in your size but mine? (I still find shoes that I really really REALLY like and discover that they only have your size).

Do you still have two bites of anything and then your full?

Does the phrase "I need to do my washing" still mean "I haven't any clean underwear left".

Do you still try on clothes in shops and after examining yourself in the mirror turn and kick your leg out as you look over your sholder?

Do you still rub your belly when you're hungry, full, bored or tired?

It's been a while since I've been around you, since I've seen how you do life and I just made chocolate chip cookies and put the leftover dough in the fridge, it got me thinking about you. I hope we can hang out soon.

Trust

"To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved."

George MacDonald

What you don't get to read

Goodness, the things that I would write on here if I didn't censor myself. The verbal vomit that would cover these pages in the shape of open letters to people that turn me into a breathing ball of quivering rage.
Sadly it might be less entertaining for you but at least you haven't a full realisation of the psycho that lives inside of me. Sometimes the thoughts that cross my mind have me questioning the stableness of my emotional state.
The worst thing I've had to deal with is the words that fall out of my mouth. Fall is the correct way to describe it because it's not even like I realise what I'm about to say before it's said, somehow it passes the censorship station.
Happily writing takes a bit more effort. I get to read what I'm saying and thought processes are a little more involved. But don't think I haven't completed some very interesting posts and then kept them in the vault. Writing is my way of venting and lately I've had a lot to vent about.
Think yourself lucky punk face.

Blindness isn't a result of too little light-that's darkness. Blindness is when you're not able to see when light is all around you...Someone pointed out to me that a pebble and a diamond are alike to a blind man, maybe I've been fingering diamonds all this time, without ever realising it.

Steven James, Story (pg127)

Potential isn't a promise but an invitation.
I want to be invited.

Some other people said it better...

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."

— Mother Teresa

"Girls are like apples...the best ones are at the top of the trees. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, when, in reality, they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree..."

— Pete Wentz

"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."

— Joan Crawford

 

Memories

Several years ago my best friend from high school surprised her guests and got married at her engagement party. That was one of the best days of my life.


I was a bridesmaid and we wore little black dresses. (I found mine the day before). The boys wore kilts (it made the photos a bit awkward), the bride had part of her dress made out of curtain material (she couldn't find the right lace) and her grandma made the wedding cake (I took some with me when I left and lived off it for a week).

The night before we had a secret practice for the ceremony, we walked down the aisle to Blower's Daughter, it was sung by one of the boys from the church while he played acoustic g-tair.

On the day we girls got ready at the hotel doing our own hair and makeup. A young man with the name of Zomer picked us up and drove us around to where the photos were being taken and the impulsive trip through the Macca's drive through to get cheeseburgers (and fries for me, I was a vege at the time).

So much laughter happened that day. It felt like such a celebration. I ate food from other people's plates as I wondered around and talked to everyone at the reception. I did feel sadness as my best friend left with her new husband because I knew that I was no longer the first person she would call when she needed to talk.
I used to get sad when things changed. Now I recognize that it's just life.
Here's to change, here's to friends leaving town, people getting married, birthdays, break downs, break ups and reconciliation. Here's to moving forward and living life with all we have, here's to recognizing that without pain our joy lacks depth. Here's to acknowledging the past but getting on with the future. Here's to old friendships that still bring a smile to my face. Friends that no matter how long it's been, the connection is still there and it's not just the pretense of nostalgia.

I want us to be friends for a very very long time. Is that ok?

if  you don't give up I'll promise not to either.

I'm 26 and this is what I know now...

1. Leaving your teenage years behind doesn't mean that you're leaving pimples behind. Dealing with pus infestations on your face is something that'll happen every time you're hormonal.
2. This whole not having sex until you get married deal doesn't get easier. It gets harder the older and less married you are but marrying someone to stop this struggle will introduce the risk of a much bigger struggle.
3. Most weddings are carbon copies of each other just different people in the wedding party. Becoming 'cool' with being single at weddings is so freaking important because there's only two other options: either going crazy and performing a wedding massacre or devouring the whole wedding cake by yourself before it's cut.
4. It’s true, there does come a day when you start thinking about your baby making machine. Just like the rest of you it's getting older. Being single is fun except when that thought hits, it'll most often come when you least expect it and it'll shock the life out of you.
5. Words and faith are kind of the same. Faith without action is dead; words without the action to back them up are also useless. Wait for the boy whose actions proceed his words. Words are a nice way to communicate, actions are the proof.
6. Most BFF's don't actually make it to the forever part. Sometimes it's heartbreaking, other times it's a relief. The smartest thing I ever heard in regards to friendships is to understand that some people are in your life for a moment, others a season and fewer still a lifetime. Friendships become easier and more natural when you hold them with an open hand.
7. Make friends with your hairdresser, then they'll give you discounts. The result of this is you'll actually be able to afford to look as good as you do.
8. Never lend anything that you wouldn't give. This saves the hassle of trying to chase it up at a later date and you'll be even more pleased when it's returned.
9. Books in a bookcase might look good but books are only really fulfilling their purpose if they are being read. If a book has changed your life then pass it on, it increases the value of that book.
10. Don't expect anything from anyone that they're not already giving. Expectations cause disappointments and can ruin relationships. Accept people for where they are at and then encourage them to move forward. Choose friendships that will motivate you forward as well.
11. If you're going to wear those heels stop moaning about them. Seriously. Taking them off at the end of the night to dance is not attractive. Learn how to walk, dance, drive and suffer in those heels if you are going to wear them. Style has a price tag, complaining about how painful those shoes are puts them in the discount bargain bin. Also if you can't walk in those shoes sober, put them back.

I Love You...

I'm sorry what did you say? I think I heard what you said, that statement is confusing sometimes.
Did you mean 'love' like the little Bieber kid does when he sings 'and I would never not be there'. Sorry he's what, fifteen? Is that the love you mean?
Or do you mean the 'love' that parents talk about? The kind that causes them to feel more pain then you do when they have to punish you?
What about the type of love that caused Romeo and Juliet to kill themselves? It's a great story but too tragic for me. Love that kills is not useful to anyone.
There's the friendship agape love, is that the one you meant? The type that causes us to be bff's?
Is it because I'm here that you love me and if I left you'd find someone else to love? Am I replaceable? Did you just mean that you're alone and you need someone there?
Did you mean to say 'I want to have sex with you’ ? Love doesn't always equal sex or vice versa.
Maybe you just couldn't think of anything else to say?
Or did you mean that, did you mean that you want the best for me, that you'll fight for me, that you'll pick me up when I'm flat on my face in misery. That you'll come on adventures with me and we'll explore this life together. You'll do what is right for me, what is right for us. You'll stay with me when everyone else has left. Did I hear that you'll strive not just to make me happy but you will join with me in a partnership to get the most out of every aspect of this life? That you're here not just because I make you feel good but because you adore me and couldn't imagine life without me.
So could you repeat that? But just say it clearer so I can understand what it is you mean.

Beautiful

 A couple of years ago I saw a piece of graffiti that really touched me. It was scratched into a seat at the bus stop outside of the shopping centre. It said something like 'To the girl who gets off the bus every morning at 750am. I think you have the most beautiful eyes'.

Recently I started a journey to find out what beauty is. The more I look, the more I find that it's simplicity not extravagance that makes something beautiful.
Simple things like the steam rising from my cup of tea the other morning. My cat coming and meowing at the door and then just hanging out in my room. The empty block next to our house that fills up with crazy wild flowers every time the owner neglects to mow it. The lights of traffic at dusk. Friends that come and sit and talk about everything and nothing. Music lyrics that match the tone of my heart. Second hand book shops. Love.

Is it the same with people? Does it work out that the more true a person is to themselves then the more beautiful they are? Am I more beautiful when I settle and just be me? I hope so because that's what I've decided to do.

I saw a quote the other day on beauty that I really liked. Not sure who said or wrote it:

Am I beautiful because you love me or do you love me because I am beautiful?

What's Making me Happy today...

It's a box of happiness from the wonderful Katharine. How much joy can sugar and chocolate bring to one person? Don't under estimate the power of fudge. 

I'm also super dooper happy that my little scooter is getting her heart transplant and new eyes sometime today or tomorrow. 

Ellie Goulding's Album Light is also bringing me happiness.

Unpretentious romance makes my heart go awwwwwwwwww...

Thanks to postsecret

Thoughts from my week

1. I'm fully capable of changing a tyre but when I don't have to because there's a man (who doesn't even know me) changing it there's a good feeling there. I'm not going to shy away from what needs to be done but if there's a man around to help out this damsel, I'm more then happy to let him. I appreciate men doing men's work.
2.  God will speak to me not because I'm at the right meeting or talking to the right person or reading the right book but because I'm listening to Him.
3. Scrabble takes practice.
4. Just because there's a question doesn't mean there's an answer. Or maybe there is an answer; it's just not the right time for me to hear it. Maybe the answer to a different question would be better for me. Maybe instead of asking 'why' I should be asking 'how'.
5. Tea is necessary, so are good books, quality music and cats that give just enough love but don't cramp your style.
6. Other people's perceptions of me are important to take into consideration but the one that has the most impact is the perception I have of myself.

Come have tea...

Come, sit next to me, share my thought bubble for some time. We can discuss all that has happened, is happening and is going to happen in this world of ours. Use your words to help me understand the life you live, what it's like when I'm not around.
Tell me something interesting because I like to learn. Tell me something funny because I like to laugh.
Tell me something that is challenging because I like to think.
Don't bother with the small talk, let's have minds that explore the abstract, the could be-s, would be-s and all that should be.
Let's not talk about other people because then we could slide on the slippery slope to gossip and I believe that it would do nothing but kill off our brain cells. Unless of course it's those that inspire us, let's talk of inspiration.
Come, tell me of the books you read, of the people you've met, of the work that you do. Tell me a story about you. I know you have something unique to share, so share it with me. Help me think a little more today.

Forgiveness according to Philip Yancey

Not to forgive imprisions me in the past and locks out all potential for change. I thus yield control to another, my enemy, and doom myself to suffer the consequences of the wrong. I once heard an immigrant rabbi make an astonishing statement. "Before coming to America, I had to forgive Adolf Hiltler" he said. "I did not want to bring Hitler inside me to my new country."

Playing Games

I'm afraid sometimes

you'll play lonely games too,

games you can't win

because you'll play against you”

Dr. Seuss

I want this too...

I stole this from a friend's blog. Thanks http://madelyningraceland.tumblr.com/

When life hands you bananas...

I've been noticing some bananas that have been developing into a state of mankiness on our kitchen bench.They belong to one of the housemates. This morning I went into stealth mode and stole two to make a banana cake. I really should have stolen three because the cake is good but it could be more banana-y.

I modified the recipe from the Frankie cookbook Afternoon Tea. It's the recipe for All Together cake, I've just added stuff.
Easiest banana cake in the world. Truthfully. I wouldn't lie to you about this.

All Together Banana Cake

1/4 cup milk
125g butter softish.
3/4 cup sugar
2 Eggs
1 tablespoon flour
1 cup Self Raising flour
1/2 teaspoon vanilla essence
2 or 3 or more bananas mashed up
1 teaspoon cinnamon or nutmeg or both

Put all the ingredients into a bowl. Beat them with egg beaters until combined. Pour into a greased cake tin. Bake in oven at 180 degrees C for about 50 minutes.

Where's the men?

Tonight at work I sat across from a boy whose 15 years old and I wondered about who was going to show this boy how to be a man. He's an indigenous kid from another town, male influence is minimal. Whose he got that will show him what it's like to be a man?


This boy has gotten to the stage of awkwardness within his skin. He sits hunched over like he's not used to his size. I wonder what it's like inside his head. How does he deal with thoughts of responsibility? Thoughts about his own future?

Where's the men that will show him how to live this life as a man, proudly as an aboriginal. Men that will help him deal with insecurities so that he will not end up as another statistic. Men that will hug him and shake his hand when he's done a good job.

Where are these men? Men to foster this boy. Men to love him when life is the hardest and he is making bad choices. Men who will not give up on him.



I think about this and all I can do is pray. I'm just a little white girl who's in over her head. I have no idea how to get this kid what he needs. He has a culture and identity that's so separate from my own white working class alternative world. What difference can I make really? I hope the words I say to him get in there. I hope that I can provide him with some hope for his future.

Tomorrow

I will get up stupidly early to go to the gym. I will continue to go to the gym either at this stupid hour or at another more reasonable hour. But from tomorrow I will go to the gym.

I will complete my assignments for college and the readings for this week. I will continue to stay on top of my assignments and NOT do them the day they are due even if they are only 500 words.

I will stop using my 'floor robe'. I will pick up all my clothes and wash them. I will not use a floorrobe again. Hopefull in the process I will find multiple things that I have lost and start using my wardrobe and bookshelf.
I will eat 2 serves fruit and 5 serves of veges. There's no reason for me not to really.

I will not drink 20 cups of coffee (or tea) while I study, water is fine.

I will take time to notice my breathing.

I will only play the games on my iPhone for short amounts of time.

I will pester my little bro to find out if he has asked out BB girl. I really think he should just man up and do it.I think he's great and don't understand why any girl wouldn't want to be with him. I'll even talk to her and tell her how great he is if needed, not that I think it's needed but sometimes a character reference from an unbiased sorce goes a long way.

I will sit on the trampoline and stare at the sky, letting my imagination fly away for some time and then bring it back to earth and use it to brainstorm solutions to some of the problems I'm facing.

I will take time to appreciate the colours around me.

I will trust that God has a plan and He has me where He needs me.

Flying away

Hot air balloons have been in habiting my imagination for quite some time now. During my visit to Brisbane in January I went to the Queensland Art Gallery. It was during the holidays so they had activities happening for children. There was this gigantic mountain of craft supplies, out of which the kids were making airplanes. Once the airplanes were finished they were hung from the ceiling. The sight of hundreds of airplanes suspended ceiling was wonderful.

In one area there was a small collection of hot air balloons. The idea has been simmering in my mind to create hot air balloons that I could hang in my house. I've finally started to make the idea a reality.

I'm using paper Mache, something I've never done before, but I turned to the ultimate knowledge machine (Google) and found out how to make the glue and started creating! First step is complete.

And to be truthful if they don't work out I’m not going to be too upset. I'm having too much fun doing this.

The life of a hermit

I've travelled to several places in the last year that have cause me to think that they would be perfect places to hide away in and do nothing but be creative all day long. The Sunny Coast hinterland is one of those places; another is South Durras in NSW. I've been considering the life of a hermit recently and if I were to become one at least I already have my location worked out.



I don't really know anyone in those areas so people wouldn't be a problem. I could hide away and immerse myself in words written by other people as well as writing a few of my own. I could paint and draw and just be whoever I damn well wanted to be.


If I was a hermit I'd have time for a veggie garden. I'd grow carrots that come out of the ground in funny shapes, lettuce, spinach, mushrooms, tomatoes and lots of basil. I'd have chickens that laid eggs and a cat that chased the chickens.
If I was a hermit I'd climb the hills and walk the beach, I'd spend my days doing what ever it is I pleased.

But then I'd probly get lonely and invite people to come visit. That's not a very hermit-y thing to do is it?
I'd throw big parties with bonfires and fire twirling and acoustic music. That's not what a hermit would do.
I'd cook so much food and then have to go make friends so the food didn't go to waste. I've never heard of a hermit doing that.

I'd make a horrible permanent hermit, maybe I should just go on hermit like holidays?

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

It's 2:47am and it's not a pretty time. I was tired before I got to work and I'm pretty sure I'll be ruined by the time I leave. Just over 5 hours to go. I've never had to work these hours before, sure I've been at work and had the kids wake me up but never have I intentionally stayed awake.
I've decided I don't like it very much. Late nights are good for study or hanging out with friends or for sleeping. Especially for sleeping. They're not very exciting when you're at work, alone.
mmmm...sleeeeeep.
I'm thinking of all you blessed people who are in sleep land right now and I hope your sleep is wonderful. I hope you realise how blessed you are to have it.

Sleep tight.

Today's Soundtrack

In no particular order:
1. Drifting- The Paper kites
2. Say something- Tim Nelson and the cub scouts
3. In a lonely place- Ellington
4. Dwell- Garage Hymnal
5. Starry Eyed- Ellie Goulding
6. Resin on my Heartstrings- Newton Faulkner
7. If this is it- Newton Faulkner
8. Let it be me- Ray LaMontage

Heartbroken

To say something is broken is to say that it needs fixing. 

Except for hearts. They're a little more complicated. I'm not sure what they need exactly but I do know that healing is involved. 

I had a girlfriend tell me today of a very recent heartbreak and for the first time I knew what to do. Out of this ugly mess of heart ache came this moment of understanding. There's a scripture that tells us that God will work everything for good. Today my heart ache became a good thing in my life. Today I was able to look at another and not just empathize but to understand and to know what it was to be in her world right then. 

He took something horrid and turned it into good, something I despised and made it into something I appreciate. 

Heartbreak doesn't require fixing, just understanding. Today I understood and in that my own healing has progressed. 


Only the heartbroken can really understand heartbreak.

Your Will

Father tonight I pray, Your will be done. Please let it be done. I trust you. I know that You're able to carry me through this. I know that You see what I do not. That You have plans that I do not have knowledge or understanding of.


Even now as I feel lost I know that You have me in the palm of your hand. And so I trust you.

Even now as my heart screams out in agony, even now as this weight on my chest turns my thoughts to confusion and mush. Especially now that my plans and dreams lay in shatters around me. Now as I'm standing in a place I did not plan to be. Even now I declare, Your will Lord. Not my own.

Now Lord. Show me your will, show me the next step. Tell me and I will trust in You. Because I have made a mess of what You gave me.


Your will Lord. Let it be.

Ramblings

This last week has been good for me and to me. I've had space to think and expand the wings of my mind. To try to figure out all that has happened and is happening in my world. I'd like to say that I made decisions but I'm happy to say that I didn't. My mind had freedom just to explore, to be challenged and also to stay exactly where it was at.


It was the same for my heart. It's amazing what a tent, good friends and a whole lot of music can do for my insides. Realizing that I'm not the only one that has experienced these feelings. To connect with another person because of what they've written, it’s a strange kind of bliss.

I got to drive on a highway for multiple hours another good feeling. Focusing on the road and the hours disappearing. All that matters are those green signs that come up ever so often, using numbers to reward me, letting me know how much closer I am to my goal.

It's such a wonderful thing not to have to be any where unless I choose to be. No such thing as "I have to be there' rather the more delightful "I want to'. So much of my time feels like 'have to' moments.

I liked having the time to breathe. And think. And just feel.

Too many times my feelings go unnoticed, unrecognized on the radar. Or if they are being noticed it's only because they need to be 'fixed'.

I don't require fixing. I'm not broken. Maybe I'm a little messy a times, but don't worry, I'll look after myself. I've come this far.

And if I cry, it's ok. Please don't try to fix me, just let me cry. Because if I've stopped stopping myself then that's all the fixing I need. For now anyway.

Easter Adventuring

I'm home at last, it's been one of those funny little holidays that feel ten times longer then what it actually was. Not much sleep, stacks of driving, boys with marginally over groomed hair, red dirt and of course stacks of new music.
I highly recommend that you scoot over to where ever it is that you download your music from and grab Tim Nelson and the Cub Scouts.
Much love.

I Like.

I like this.
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/grownups.png

and Newton's Faulkner's song This is it.

I like friends coming over for coffee and bringing hot cross buns

I like a cat that plays and pounces and drinks milk.

I like reading books that inspire, spending time in art galleries and deciding what time I should go to bed.

I like cooking, baking things when I'm frustrated and even when I'm not. I like giving the baking away because I'm not such a fan of cakes or cookies really.

I like planning road trips, really long ones in that the road spans out in front and while I'm concentrating on driving my soul takes a journey and I get to figure stuff out, clarity comes.

It's our turn to be grown ups. Let's make it memorable not mediocre.

Honestly

I just don't want to do this on my own anymore.
I don't know if we can be friends if this doesn't work out the way my heart hoped it would.
I don't know if I could survive without your friendship. It's come to mean so much to me. You've broken in and created a space for yourself that no one else ever has. You've crossed walls and boundaries and you became comfortable. I don't know how to live without that comfort now.
I want to move on from this meandering phase I'm in. It feels like I've been here forever.
I want stability.
I want a life of chasing dreams and rainbows and thunderclouds and adventures.
I want to talk to you. Now.
I don't ever want to have to lose you.
I don't want to walk away.
I don't want to leave you behind.
I don't want to hurt like this anymore.
I want to know what to do next, what the right thing to do is.

We've got the POWER

Today the power came back on at our house. It took the knowledge and eyes of an electrician to tell us that all the circuit breakers were switched to off. Funny story now but two days ago when the neighbors had power and we didn't I was so mad.
It's amazing how stressful life can be once the normalicity is taken out of it. I'm the first to jump at the chance of an adventure but not this type of adventure. Not being able to function the way that I've been conditioned to was rather frustrating.
If we had the ability to do our washing, keep our milk in a safe condition, have hot showers and read before going to sleep at night I would not have minded not having electricity.
My housemate and I listed off all the things that we are grateful for being able to do because of electricity. There's quite a few, the things we are able to do WITHOUT electricity. Not too many.
My little brother was born in 1985. Aparantly in Queensland there was a record number of births that year. Most people put it down to the record number of blackouts in 84/85.
Wonder if there's going to be a baby boom nine months from now?
There won't be from our house.

If there is it's the imaculate conception. It's happened once before.

Sinful...

Today I spent time at my new 'spot'. I love great cafes, they feed my soul. I always leave feeling inspired, feeling rested. The opposite is also true, if there's bad service, bad coffee or even just average, I leave feeling ripped off. Mackay has a new cafe called Sinful. The staff are well picked, the coffee is good (and improving!), simple good food and a great layout. I always leave feeling refreshed. So if you're ever looking for me, head there. Except if you're a stalker. If you're planning to stalk me, I'm never there. Ever.

As a result of the cyclone over the weekend my house does not have power. It's been over 72 hours. I think I spent a good three hours there today, I found a powerpoint and plugged in my laptop and phone. I spent the morning organising and reading through some poetry I've written this year.

I found this, judge it if you will:

I’m just waiting

For the words that haven’t been spoken yet

If you tell me to go I shall leave this place behind me

I will shake the dust from my feet and remove the articles from my heart which I collected during my stay here.

If I cry they will be angry hot tears of a heart that is not just broken or crushed but disillusioned by the choices made by it’s owner

When you see me in public places

I will not be angry and hate you

Or take my fists and beat you

I will smile, maybe not with my eyes

And take interest but not with my heat

I will extend my hand for a handshake or hug

And then I will leave you to be

I will leave and take my heart away from your hands

But

If you choose not to make those words audible

Then I will stay, I will stay and figure this out.

Your choice.

I don't understand but then I don't really have to. You've made decisions that I may or may not agree with. Does it really matter why? Does it really matter that the choice you made wasn't the one that I wanted you to make? 

I'm going to deal with this the best I can. I'm old enough and tough enough. If this is the worst thing that'll ever happen to me then surely I'm going to be ok. 

I'll learn from this. So much to be learnt from this. I'm not going to base my happiness off what you choose. 

But then both of us always knew that I was going to be ok. Maybe that's why you've made the choices you have. 

Eggs Benny

It seems that married men value the art of cooking. I only draw this conclusion because every time one of these men from the married tribe eats my food there’s always the compliment ‘you’ll make a good wife’.

I suspect that the single boys think this too; perhaps they’re too scared to say it in case I take it as a marriage proposal and jump on them.

The reason why I would make a good wife today is that this morning I made eggs Benedict. From scratch.

Yep. I’m that good.

Actually it’s more the recipe then me. I was inspired by the film Julie and Julia to never be defeated by a recipe. So I conquered poaching eggs.

I’d previously given up poaching eggs cause I’d always end up with eggy water. There are only so many wasted eggs my ego could take.

The next thing I needed to conquer was hollandaise sauce. Too easy. But I can’t take all the credit, the recipe was fool proof. You should try it:

In a blender blend 3 egg yolks, 1 tablespoon of lemon juice and 1 tablespoon water. Gradually add 125g melted butter that has been cooled slightly. Blend until thick and creamy. Season with salt and pepper.

Bon Appetiet! 

A Psalm of Sorts

Why do I keep doing stupid things to torment myself? I know what causes me pain and yet almost unwillingly I chase after it. I’m finding new ways to cause destruction. Is it habit? Could I be considered a self harmer and require monitoring? An action plan to curb and contain this behavior?

I’ve been hoping for what I do not have, striving for what is not mine. Dreaming for a day that is not here. And my heart breaks. I thought that things were changing but they are not. It’s the same but worse. I now know what I do not have.
I’ve stopped myself from running. From separating from all I know and embracing the unknown. I’ve stayed here in this place standing silent but on the inside screaming and screaming and screaming and hoping that tomorrow comes quickly. That this hope that is killing me will be fulfilled. That these dreams that are tearing me apart will become reality.
I don’t know how much longer I can stay in a place like this.
All I know is I have a heavenly Father who has a plan. Who has a love for me greater then anything I have ever known. So I stand, not in my own strength but in His. Because He has been good to me.

I have a dream

I’m a youth worker in a house that provides a place for youths who have no where else to go. They either cannot live at home for a number of reasons and they don’t fit into the foster system.


I’ve had some interesting milestones in this job, my first visit to the emergency department, my first car accident (my fault nothing to do with the kids, Thank you Jesus for insurance on work cars), the first time I went to the watch house at the police station, the first time I woke up and there was fruit smashed up around the house, the first physical punch up, the first time kids absconded and the other night I had my first police interview.

As I was sitting in the room waiting for the police to come back and start the interview (I had to sit in as an adult representing the kid) I began talking to him. I told him that if I had a big house out in the country with a couple of acres I’d take them all out there to live. That way if they needed to burn off energy in the middle of the night instead of running around screaming like loonies in the house with the lights all turned off they could run outside.

‘And motorbikes’ he said. Yes and motorbikes. I’d have four wheelers and two wheelers and whatever else I could conjure up. I’d let them make bonfires and sparkler bombs and go camping for days by themselves. I’d let them be the teenage boys that they are, giving them room to make mistakes and have fun and discover who they are. I’d make sure there'd be heaps of food and space and love.

Because that’s what these kids need. They need someone to look at them and love them regardless of the damage they’ve caused, regardless of what the world tells them they are. Regardless of the words they spoke last night that made you want to rip their fingernails off slowly so they would be in as much pain as possible. Despite the apparent lack of potential to change holding onto hope that one day these boys are going to be men.



Men of good character. Men who work in jobs that are respectable, men full of hope for the future, men who walk with their heads held high not because of arrogance and pride but because they know that the past has gone, today is new and tomorrow has much hope.



One day it will happen. One day I will have that house.

There once was a lady who lived with a cat...

I’ve never really understood the need for people to keep pets. Growing up we only had things kept in cages or bowls. Nothing too exciting, except when I made the inevitable discovery that the soul of whatever small bird or fish that had been entrusted into my care, had departed this earth.

 It kind of happens like that when they don’t have food, or water. Oops.

Recently I acquired a kitty. It’s only supposed to be mine for 12 months as his owner lives in a setting not welcoming to kitties. Surprisingly I adore this cat. I’ve brought toys for it, defended its bad behavior and generally loved on it.

I suspect that my love for this particular creature has flourished simple because this cat is quite loveable. Sure, other cats don’t seem to appreciate his feisty nature but I do. I love that I can play with him and throw him at people, I love that he doesn’t need constant attention. He’ll sit near me instead of on me. He needed rescuing from the roof one night. I still have no idea how he ended up there.

So this is for you Zoidberg. You’ve changed me; you’ve turned me into one of those crazy cat people who post pictures of their pet on facebook and write about in blogs.

I'll show you who my friends are...

Some of the things my bestie taught me:

• if something is good for your insides it's most probably not very pleasant tasting
• borders is a fun place to spend hours and hours and hours and hours and...
• the body is an amazing thing. 
• the ability to network is one of the most valuable things you can develop
• be an expert on one topic, put all you heart, soul, mind and body into learning it. If you need to know anything else about anything find the experts, they'll appreciate your skills just as you appreciate theirs. 
• thongs/flip flops/pluggers are BAD for your feet
• Birkies are GOOD. 
• Buy quality, you'll buy less but it'll last longer
• Trust God and trust people
• Early mornings are beautiful
• Depression is ugly and crap and horrible but it is defeatable. 
• Great food is essential to any gathering
• Exercise can be fun

Magical Cup Cakes

I'm convinced that this is the best cupcake recipe ever. It's a magic recipe that's so easy and works EVERY time, (although one time I gave this recipe to my friend Sheree who was making them for her daughter's first birthday party, I forgot to mention the 3 eggs in the email I sent. Omitting eggs equals failure)

 I made some this morning after I cleaned the house to make myself feel better and as always they turned out beautiful. If you don't believe me ask Christopher, he's eaten five already. 

 I don't think I'm breaking any copy right laws by sharing it here: 

Vanilla Cupcakes

1 1/2 cups Self Raising flour

1/2 cup Plain flour

1 cup sugar

175g unsalted butter, softened

150mL whole milk

3 large eggs

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

a SMALL pinch of salt 

Preheat the oven to 175degrees C. 

Line a tray of 12 half-cup muffin holes with paper patty cases

Put all ingredients into the bowl and mix on low speed for approximately 1 minute. Beat on high for 3-5 minutes until the mixture is creamy and thick. 

Spoon into tray filling holes 2/3 full

Bake in the centre of the oven for 20-25 minutes or until they are firm and light golden.

Cool on wire rack. 

Take me Back

Take me back to the place 
where the heartbreak first occurred, 
To the beach with the waves crashing
The sand between my toes
Take me back to where I stood
and I'd say it all again
I'd tell you I'm not leaving
I'd tell you that my decision is made
Take me back so you can see 
That my heart is not undecided
That no one else has claim
See that I have changed
Know that I make choices
That my heart is set in stone
I'm not about to waiver
Nor will I fall

To live

To see and to realize

To breathe and to sing

To have faith and to move

To have belief in a being so much more than yourself

To have legs and to dance

To have hands and to create

To have a brain and to empathize

To have a heart that feels pain

To have eyes full of wonder

To have a soul with a future

To have words with something to say