Why do I keep doing stupid things to torment myself? I know what causes me pain and yet almost unwillingly I chase after it. I’m finding new ways to cause destruction. Is it habit? Could I be considered a self harmer and require monitoring? An action plan to curb and contain this behavior?
I’ve been hoping for what I do not have, striving for what is not mine. Dreaming for a day that is not here. And my heart breaks. I thought that things were changing but they are not. It’s the same but worse. I now know what I do not have.
I’ve stopped myself from running. From separating from all I know and embracing the unknown. I’ve stayed here in this place standing silent but on the inside screaming and screaming and screaming and hoping that tomorrow comes quickly. That this hope that is killing me will be fulfilled. That these dreams that are tearing me apart will become reality.
I don’t know how much longer I can stay in a place like this.
All I know is I have a heavenly Father who has a plan. Who has a love for me greater then anything I have ever known. So I stand, not in my own strength but in His. Because He has been good to me.
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